Monday, November 16, 2009


For 4 years I wanted a family. I then moved past it and made peace with the fact that I could not get pregnant. But now...I am haunted by it again with this unfriendly reminder every month. When infertility is "unexplained" it's next to impossible to justify it and nothing seems to make sense. God has a plan. Really? Is it God's plan to give an innocent baby to a woman who lives on the streets and is addicted to crack or to a mother who doesn't want it and neglects it and beats it? If there was a God, wouldn't he want to give a child to a family who can love it and provide for it and treat it right? Like I said...if there was a God.

Don't get me wrong, I am still ok with not having a baby right now. To be honest, this is not the best time to introduce a baby into my marriage or to this society. But still, I am human. I am a woman. I was put on this earth to bear children. I was made, evolved, what have you, to carry a child. I am broken, worthless, and good for nothing when it comes to my purpose. Thank goodness we live in modern times and that is no longer the purpose of a woman.

People always say there is a reason for everything. I honestly don't believe that. Watching the news and knowing what I know gives no validity to that arguement.

Finding a purpose is hard. I have struggled and weathered my own personal storm. For a while I shunned all things domestic and had a mini-mid-life-crisis. I am over that now, and I guess you can say I am in phase two. I have no clue what phase that is other than that I am stable, healthy (mentally and physically), and just trying to focus on making myself and my life better.

Things will click, they always do. I just wish I wasn't haunted every month by the ghost of a child I will never have.

1 comment:

starnes family said...

Amanda, I totally agree. While I believe in God, I don't understand a lot and it's caused plenty of uncertain times and clinical depression for me. My sister has an autoimmune disease and a secondary one, derived from the first, neither of which any human should have to tolerate. Because of these diseases, she cannot have children.

I was a wreck while pregnant with our 3rd child......guilt stricken and depressed......not understanding why I was given these gifts and others, specifically my favorite person in the world - my sister, could not.

I'm still grieving her loss and pray for those like her, including you.

Know that you're not alone and that people are thinking about you.