Thursday, June 11, 2009

To Try Or Not To Try...Should It Be A Question?

When we went on vacation, I thought that would be a good time to discuss the future of my fertility and our plans for a family. That didn't happen. Instead, I find myself at a cross-road. Frank has been and will always be happy either way (with or without kids). He has such a go with the flow attitude, it makes me sick sometimes. I mean, I envy it...I really do. Lately, I actually think I might be adopting that attitude. In the 4 years we have been trying, I have been here before. I get tired of trying. Tired of thinking about it. Well, I am back here again. I have so many "what ifs" right now. What if I get pregnant and our marriage fails due to stress? What if I get pregnant and regret that we can't just up and go like we are so used to? What if I get pregnant and our kid turns out to be a nightmare even though we did the best we could do raising it? Right now, I am content. I like my life right now. I don't feel empty. But will I feel empty when I am old and alone with no family? Would I regret not having children? Probably. We do have still have options that we have not tried and I have not been as aggressive as I could be. That is the other part that makes me wonder. If I wanted this 1000%, wouldn't I have already done everything in my power? In a way, I feel numb to anything family related. But that kind of feels good right now.

1 comment:

starnes family said...

Lots to consider. You're thinking it through, which is the right thing to do. Wish I had some words of wisdom.