Following The Formula

When did it become necessary to follow a certain formula for life? Birth + School + Work + Marriage + Kids = Happiness? Says who? I thought I had to follow this formula. I thought this was how you did "life", not to mention I have never been good at math. Since deciding not to have children, I have been through a cornucopia of emotions and discoveries. It's been hard on me and Frank and confusing to my friends and those who don't know me all that well. I guess it can best be described as a "mid-life crisis". As embarrassing as it is to admit, I am having one. I have gone through episodes of partying, episodes of depression, episodes of self-doubt, and episodes of not knowing what to do with myself and my life (to name a few). I know I am not the only female in her 30's to go through this scenario, but it feels like it. Sheesh! It's time to start a new chapter of my life and it is scary. Now if I can just figure out how to do it...

Slacker

I have really been slacking on my blog. I have had a lot going on and not a lot going on all at the same time. Sorry to confuse anyone with that. I have not had a lot to write about and have not wanted to post any goofy pics or anything like that. But here is a run down of my life over the past few weeks (at least what I want to share).

1. Had a birthday and turned 34. This year was harder than others for some reason.
2. Went to Eddie V's for my birthday and it was one of the best meals I have had in a long time.
3. Got to participate in the Mouser golf tournament again this year. I will post a link to the photos soon.
4. Booked my flight and bought my dress for Missy's wedding in Chicago at the end of the month!
5. Shannon is coming back!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond thrilled, but I also know this is really hard for her and her family having to leave their family in Kansas.
6. Decided not to have children. This is a pretty big one. After trying for 4 years and doing everything but invitro, it was just time to say "uncle" because we just don't want to spend $15K right now. Also, if we don't want to spend the money, maybe we don't want it bad enough. BUT I do feel a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders. I just need to figure out what to do with myself now. That has been the hard part.

That's pretty much it, although I a sure I am missing something. I will try to be more attentive to my blog. I guess sometimes I think if I am not interested in my life...who else will be?

Facebook/Life Changes

Facebook and Life Changes. No, not necessarily in that order...but I wanted to clarify some things. Yes, I did change my marital status on Facebook. I also changed ALL of my personal info. I just had to do it one item at a time. I decided to take off my personal info from Facebook. I removed my blog and my birthday, etc. Frank and I are FANTASTIC! No trouble in paradise. I just decided I don't want to volunteer personal stats. People who are on my facebook already know me, so why do they need to know my birthday and place of birth? Anyway, I just wanted to clarify for those who were curious. ALL IS GOOD IN THE LAND OF KIRK!

To address the Wild Child post, I want to elaborate on that. For the past 4 years I have been trying to get pregnant and every life decision I made hung on the whole premise of "what if I get pregnant". Not anymore. I am going to live my life for me and only me. I will buy whatever car I want to buy, Porsche excluded :( and I will do more abs at the gym..ha! Just stupid things like that. I would also like to try some more adventurous vacations. Go rafting or maybe take up Scuba again. I don't know, but I do feel almost re-born in a way. I feel very free and I love it.

To Try Or Not To Try...Should It Be A Question?

When we went on vacation, I thought that would be a good time to discuss the future of my fertility and our plans for a family. That didn't happen. Instead, I find myself at a cross-road. Frank has been and will always be happy either way (with or without kids). He has such a go with the flow attitude, it makes me sick sometimes. I mean, I envy it...I really do. Lately, I actually think I might be adopting that attitude. In the 4 years we have been trying, I have been here before. I get tired of trying. Tired of thinking about it. Well, I am back here again. I have so many "what ifs" right now. What if I get pregnant and our marriage fails due to stress? What if I get pregnant and regret that we can't just up and go like we are so used to? What if I get pregnant and our kid turns out to be a nightmare even though we did the best we could do raising it? Right now, I am content. I like my life right now. I don't feel empty. But will I feel empty when I am old and alone with no family? Would I regret not having children? Probably. We do have still have options that we have not tried and I have not been as aggressive as I could be. That is the other part that makes me wonder. If I wanted this 1000%, wouldn't I have already done everything in my power? In a way, I feel numb to anything family related. But that kind of feels good right now.

Fertility Update

Since I had my surgery in January, I have not had a chance to truely "try". Timing was wrong in January because of the surgery and February I had a bad stomach bug when it was time to "try". So March will be my first time to really give this a go. I want to see if I can do this the natural way now that I have been cleaned out, so to speak.

Post-Op Update

I had my post-op appointment yesterday and everything looks great. I am all clear to start fertility treatments in just over a week!

Recovery

I had my surgery yesterday and everthing went really well. They did find endometriosis and got it all cleaned out. I have 3 small incisions on my lower abdomen. One at the belly button, and one on each side above the pelvis. I am definately feeling more pain today than yesterday, but I hope it starts to subside over the weekend. I get my stiches out Monday and go back to work Tuesday. I am already stir crazy!

Surgery

My long awaited surgery is just over a week away. I have had 3 doctors tell me I need to have this surgery and I am finally doing it. This exploratory laparoscopic procedure is to look for and clean out endometriosis and any other problems they might find. It could help my chances to conceive but will also take away the excruciating pain I have every month. I am not sure how I am going to approach fertility treatments after the surgery. I don't know if I want to just see what happens over a couple of months or just go straight to the Clomid and/or IUI. More to report on this after next Thursday.

Surgery Scheduled

I scheduled my surgery today! Never thought I would be excited about such a thing. This is the laproscopic surgery to look for and remove edometriosis. Which, will hopefully, resolve my infertility problems. The surgery is not scheduled until January, but I was told they schedule a couple months out in order to get the date you really want. It's really only 2 1/2 months away. Hopefully it will go by quick!

The Bumble Bee Story

I am truly blessed to be surrounded with the friends I have. I saw a quote online that said "A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself." That could not have rang more true for me last night. I met my friend Catie for dinner and she showed up with a very unexpected gift for me. She said she saw it and it made her think of me and there was a story behind it. I opened the James Avery bag to find a sterling silver bracelet with a Bumble Bee charm. She asked if I had heard of the Bumble Bee story, and I had not. The Bumble Bee story goes as follows:

Bees are the symbol of fertility and sexuality.
Its honeycomb, a hexagon, is the symbol of the heart and
represents the sweetness of life found within our own heart.
It is also the symbol of the sun and all its energies.

The bee reminds us to extract the honey of life
and to make our lives fertile (productive) while the sun shines.
No matter how great the dream is, there is the promise of fulfillment
if we pursue our dreams.

If a Bee has shown up in your life, examine your own productivity.
Are you doing all you can to make your life more fertile?
Are you busy enough?
Are you making time to savor the honey of life and not becoming a workaholic?

The Bee is the symbol of accomplishing the impossible.
Aerodynamically, its body is too large for its wings and should not be able to fly.
Although now we understand how it does fly (high rate of wing movement),
the Bee remains a symbol of accomplishing anything you put your mind to.

In Hinduism, the Bee relates to Vishnu, Krishna or Kama, the God of Love.
In Egypt, the Bee symbolized royalty.
In Greece, it was the symbol of the Eleusinian Mysteries.
The Celts associated the Bee with hidden wisdom.

Catie is pregnant with her first child, a baby girl. She is due in a month and I couldn't be more ecstatic for her!

Gratuitous Pity Post

I will never understand why I can't catch a break, but it seems like nothing comes easily for me. Everything I have ever passionately wanted has been hard to obtain. Even things that are very easy for others don't come easy for me. So as you can probably guess by this post, I am not pregnant. The IUI did not take. I do not know what my next step will be or when it will be. I spoke to the doctor and was told I can give it (the IUI) another go this month or I could go ahead and do a laparoscopic exploratory surgery (which 3 doctors have recommended to me already). They do recommend I only try the IUI one more time before I do the surgery, but I say why waste any more time, money, and stress...I almost want to skip directly to the surgery. I have some thinking to do I guess. Women were put on this earth to reproduce. That is our purpose as humans. I am broken. I cannot do what I was put on this earth to do. It will never make sense to me how people who should not have children, who abuse them and neglect them and don't even want them, seem to have them all the time. People who are not financially stable enough to have children have children, and people who are on drugs get pregnant. Why? It’s hard to cope with these thoughts. I have been told "don't stress and you will get pregnant", "it will happen when it's meant to happen", "it will happen soon". I understand why people tell me these things...they don't know what else to say. They are just trying to make me feel better. It’s appreciated, but unfortunately they just don't understand. When I first had the IUI done, I was very positive. The closer I got to knowing, the more pessimistic I became. I was told to think positive, but it’s next to impossible when disappointment is all you know.

The Sperminator

Tomorrow I get Sperminated! Check back in a couple of weeks for an update. I won't know "officially" for two more weeks.

It's My Turn!

Ahh, insemination. I Never thought that word would make me happy. I went to the doctor for a sonogram and was told that everything looks good so I started on Clomid and will go in for another Sonogram on the 22nd to see what my follicles look like. If they are good size, I will get an HCG shot to induce ovultion and then I will come in the next afternoon for the procedure. At worst, I will have to wait until Thursday (a day later) for the procedure. Regardless, next week I hope to be officially sperminated! Although, I won't find out for sure until the first week of August most likely. More info to come!

Baby Update

Most of you know we have been trying for a baby for 3 years now. We planned on going forward with artificial insemination this month after taking some time off and going on a much needed vacation. I went to the doctor the day before our trip and was told I had a very large cyst and they could not do the procedure this month. Looks like we are going to have to wait until the latter part of July to move forward. I will keep you all posted on our progress. :)